gilmore dudes eff toss bracket showdown - ROUND 2

after getting ourselves two (2!) whole positive reponses on round one, we figured we should press further on into the eff battledome of stars hollow. join us, won't you?


judges:
sb again, dropper of gilmore science.

ts again, dropper of specific names of real-life dudes and she has/would like to kick it to.

ROUND 2:

gg expert (sb): hrm...truth be told, i never really like "hot" guys, usually just the room temp and/or luke warm/tepid, with a twist of glasses. alex is too "hot," which is to say you could find him on a calendar or playing the bf of any cookie cutter actress like uncle jesse's wife from full house or that cunt from that show i don't like (you know, that show, the one with the cunt on it, that i really don't like). i also got constantly rejected by the guys i liked when i was 14 so luke would help me avenge their shunnings and keep me from not checking out pre/mid-pube skateboarders that pass me on the street/getting a boner for them on the off/constant chance i do take a gander. which is to say, if luke can fix things, he can fix my perversions and broken coming of age, which has since turned into a going of age, since i am known to wear an overall jumper. plus alex obviously can't commit (hello, 4 episodes!) and he uses a hairdryer.
gg non-expert (ts): I could never date a dude wif a headshot and, conversely, I could never date a dude wif a haircloud. I am tired and cranky and so I defer to SB on this one. I effing hate when VeganTreats.com baked goods at Atlas are nearing a week old and are kind of stale. My sisters boyfriend kind of sucks. Also, I would avoid any dude named Alex cause I was once not too long ago hanging out/making out with this little dude Rob H., and then, through some slip of the tongue when I was trashed at the Soho Grand, ended up making out with his Jason Schwartzmann look-alike best friend, Alex S. - nearly ruining my friendship with Rob - and rendering me the receiving end of many a snarly text message fer like the 17 and a half weeks following said event. I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that Alex is a liar and totes said Rob wouldn't care and that it's all peace now cause none of really cared about each other in that way, and all it took to calm Rob down was a pricey dinner at the Olive Garden in Times Square. I would nevs evs pipe either of them, but even in thinking about for this eff toss bracket showdown, the name Alex makes me think of madd heffer amounts of drama and puke in my mouth a little.(see below).

winner: luke! luke! alex makes us puke!


gg expert (sb): i got in a fight with my friend ali on sunday who works at tv guide who says that yes, dean is/was a pussy but hey he's just hotter and that's that. then ali cursed the color of her pedicure and wondered aloud if she should've played hockey in her h&m halter dress. plus, while doing an appearance on a morning show on fox or something, ali made up the world documenatryist, which sounds like something someone who never went to college would say, even tho she did (but dean didn't! are you feeling me?). i loves me some ali, and she is sort of a tv authority, but i think the info above pretty much sums up why i am a jess girl por vida and why he has won the hearts of dxe, rory, and ugly-footed bitches everywhere. also, say what you will about his coiffure, but the higher the hair, the closer to god. there's not much else to say so back to to teet's personal page 6.
gg non-expert (ts): Our friend Suz swares that feelings for dudes and stuff can run deeper than just, like, jammin' yr grubby little hands down their pants when on the horizontal make out stampede. I can't really begin to comprehend this because every feeling I've known to this point is based solely on how cute in the face the boy at hand is. Hence, my past dating/eff throwing corrale of profeshional male pattern loosers. Hot in the face por vida. That said, and again and again, I choose Jess. Oh wait, while Jess ultimately wins no matter what, I have this to say: I had a sweet ass roof party last Friday with at least 1,000 Really Popular People {R.P.P} in attendance and there was this Jalapeno Cheeze Hot Pocket of socially inept askingforit/notaskingforit dudes from L.A. there, all JUST SO RIPE fer the pipe and toss. SB would respectfully disagree wif me on this one cause they were, like, MTV 10:30 Spot TRUE LIFE "I Was Born A Fucking Jalapeno Cheeze Hot Pocket, Pipe-able Dude" dudes, rather than, say, near sited Harry Potter/Librarian/Stamp Collecting Nerd/Record Store Clerk/Scared/Pteradactyl lookin' dudes - but I don't even once care what she says on this one. I would much prefer to repeatedly throw any or all of them the eff as opposed to a fictional TV character, cept fer the honest fact that I have cobwebs down there due to a} only being medium cute and 2} having a ginormo relations ice chip, no block, on my grubby little shoulder. Apropos of absolutely nothing, I would also pipe Brandon Reilly from Nightmare of You, if only a) he were not in a band, 2) a total man ho, D) a client I work with, and 17) from Wrong Island. That said, I'll take Latin Derivatives, no I mean Jess...in the primetime television gaywad quiz show that is throwing the eff to any dude, ugg boots or otherwise.

winner: hell jess.


gg expert (sb): i am all for having crushes on the nonexistent, but for the purposes of this showdown, mr kim is a cartoon, and the last cartoon i wanted to mash it with was the fox from disney's robin hood. he had an accent, wore cool shoes, and was down with fat people (hello, his bff, not-li'l jon). sure he was mean to the gay snake and was 2 dimensional but this was back when i was a child and my imagination wasn't yet crushed by the entertainment industry/14 year old boys (see above). so even tho max asked lorelai to marry him for the dumbest reason imaginable (cuz he was tired of fighting?) unless mr kim can swordfight and figure out an a-ha-like way to become real i'm sticking with my own kind thank you (3D/jew).
gg non-expert (ts): I'm gonna go fer the korean cartoon dude. Oh dang, no, scratch that - forgot that you wouldn't be able to close the deal with the lights completely off with that necessary-fer-him-to-be-there TV glare filling the room. And geez, I fergot to shave! Gimme Max cause one time I made out with this super cute underage dude name Max in my eggplant colored wheelz and although it wasn't the most smooth as silk make-out sesh evs, at the end of the day he was still really hot in the face and I have the luxury of storing that memory in my near-to/yet-far-from- the-eff-throw back catalogue forevs, to help me feel less like a looser when I'm riding my BMX bike all over the city by myself to take pix of spelling errors on random sandwhichboards to post immediately on my hiptop blog: http://www.hiplog.com/hiplog/read/4/4488

I'll take Max. I am so totally board and hungary.

winner: to the max.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE JESS WIN!

gilmore dudes eff toss bracket showdown - ROUND 1

here are some facts for you-- green means go, rain is wet, gilmore girls is a good show. just sayin. also irrefutible is the fact that good tv shows must be funny and have characters doing it with each other (see: wonderfalls review, which makes me add to this fact that good tv shows must also not be on fox on friday nights). we have decided to take that one step further and see who on this good tv show we here at dxe(.com) would do it with ourselves. we have set it up march madness-style bracket for easy elimination until we have one victor/fictional manfriend (is. there. any. other. kind). bring it on.


judges:
sb, resident gg expert, judging based on her vast gilmore knowledge. favorite going into the competition: jess, because, whilst a shitty boyfriend, he loves the distillers, broods like a champ, and pretends to read punk planet while actually reading a self-help book (who can blame him? life with larry probably don't pack as much punch as anything by dr. phil).

ts, totally gg ignorant, judging based on looks and alone. favorite going into the competition: totes defs jess because he was hit by the hot stick at birf AND skateboards and whenever i hear skateboard wheelz roll-out in dirty nyc the world freezes fer but a moment while i temporarily suspect, then and there, that i might be able to build a life with the maker of said noise until i realize it is either a scrappy 11 yr old heading to the steps at union square before curfew or a university of delaware stocks/bonds/kegstands/skirt nailing master's program major (a title for a field of study that does not exist except in my us-against-them head) bottleneck on a sector 9. i am destined to a life solitude. DXE POR VIDA. jus' sayin.

ROUND 1:

gg expert (sb): dude, michel's pretty much the wayland smithers of this show in that he's started out black and is a stealth 'mo. unlike the og wayland tho, he has remained black and never wrote a musical about malibu stacy. i put him in the bracket cuz he gets some of the best dialogue but i'd sooner objectify richard simmons. as for alex, he's way too soap opera looking for my tastes and his character was pretty much a placeholder but at least i know for sure he's not a bottom.
gg non-expert (ts): MICHELLLE - I am all fer dating Hispanic dudes and whatnot, but this guy looks a) too muscular; no matter how you slice it, and i just can't git down wif the bottlenecks yet seeing as they were mean to me in grade school 7) tanner than me even after 9 sessions of 12 minutes each in the 32 dollar per session SolarOrbit H54 Non-UV Stand Up at Tantaztic Tanz on route 35 between BK and the Roller Rink in Eatontown, NJ and D) too comfortable with that nast flavor savor beneath his lower lip. Fer the record; Crazytown died a swift and efficient death, as did Drowning Pool, Adema, and Sidewinder-Z (a nu-metal band with much facial topiary that does not exist) - let no dude who we throw the eff too taint our fleeting moments of intimacy with the dark black cloud that is manscaped pubez of the face.

winner: alex, the vapor boyfriend.


gg expert (sb): again, not a tough one. yes, luke's "hair" is dubious at best (like tv's jeremy piven ["one crazy summer," ari on "entourage", most likely a coked out asshole in real life], he's mysteriously getting less and less bald from a starting place of a serious scalpitude), but that "big bat" joke in this season's closer was great AND you know that deep down you have a secret private dream man that's a lot like him altho maybe he's in nh instead of ct and reads more and shaves his face and isn't such a pussy and would kick it to you after 4 months tops instead of 5 years. and logan has the personality of my imagined version of real-life jeremy piven.
gg non-expert (ts): Luke is old and has permanent party bloat but I have an insane-brains case of the hate for Logan-- he makes me want to puke in my disgruntled pet ferret mr. whisker's hair. that said and by default, I'll take Luke for a night of painting the town red after 3 to 16 servings of Michelob Light at his or my neighborhood WT bar/lounge that does not exist - but i will not kiss his face or touch his d because he is like 57 years old and i would totes puke in my own hand, wipe it in his eyes, and then kick his teeth in with my rocket dog platform flipflops or my new mee too backless white sneakers, whichever i am wearing at the time, while he is making efforts to heavily pet me, all domestic-yet-aggressive ferret with a muzzle at the vet trying valiantly to fight having his anal sacs emptied style.

winner: luke of the almost-elton john like coiffure.


gg expert (sb): bullshit contest, but taylor reminds me of a gaynotgay teacher i had in high school right down to their too-high pants and diction from hell, which is mildy redeeming. still, his character is kind of nazi-y. i know that jess treated rory like crap but it's only because his dad didn't love him and his spin off was doomed due to "high production costs." he read punk planet, he loved the distillers, and he embodied gg's "sex and the city"-like talent to find undercover hot actors and let their hotness shine on a platform they deserve. oh, and that vest. and motorcycle jacket! he pulled one prank on taylor but with a little egging on he'd probably leave a bag of flaming poop on taylor's doorstep. and the poop'd probably be his own. and the flames would be from my heart.
gg non-expert (ts): Taylor looks like a gray haired version of the dude that sells Ziplock bags or a white version of the Dad from the TV show that starred Erkle whose name is presently exscaping me. I WOULD
TAKE JESS IN A HOT SECOND NOT ONLY CAUSE HE IS ON THE UPN AND KNOWS WHO SLINT IS BUT BECAUSE HE IS ALSO SUPER HOT IN THE FACE AND WOULD MAKE A NICE TROPHY BOYFRIEND TO UPSET THE MYRIAD OF DUDES WHO HAVE BLOWN ME OFF OVER THE COURSE OF MY HARD LIVED 20 and a half YEARS. it will never happen though, because i am, yet again, destined to a life of solitude, owning only in this world an ill-behaved pet ferret named mr. whiskers and a subscription to cat fancy while renting a small room with a single width cot in nyc's much feared women's only dorm hotel, the webster, on 34th and 9th avenue or 11th avenue i cant remember because i smoked a ton of dank nodgies in high school in keyport, new jersey. i will work at duane reade.

winner: jess, jess, a thousand times jess.


gg expert (sb): a tough one for once-- dean was good to rory, but too good, like a guy who agrees to buy you tampons on a run to the deli but also needs a good cry post-orgasm. christopher is only medium hot and is not good to lorelai or rory and he listens to rammstien in his car but ok yes he kinda sucks but i'm not sure if he sucks more than dean. i think the dealbreaker is that dean MADE rory a fucking car and christopher just made lorelai a baby and i'd rather have a car than a child, post-coital tears be damned.
gg non-expert (ts): I'm gonna go fer Dean on this one solely because of SB's bril description of him. A boy after my own heart circa 7th grade at Shrewsbury Boro School. Per usual and apropos of absolutely
nothing, that last sentence made me remember how much I hate this new prog-emo band called Circa Survive. i think it was because we played with them at westchester university when we opened for taking back sunday (namecheck what what) where all the kids super hated on us and i called this ugg boots young scam naysayer girl a cunt from the stage - while circa survive acted all nu eem suburban lego pop-on hair snootrock tude style towards us. oh, and also because they are blowing-up blowin-up here's my card because they have a good booking agent while i totes shame-in-my-game sell cd's at sounds on st. marks just to be able to eat to stay chubby - although i cant be shore if that's why.

winner: lean mean dean machine.


gg expert (sb): jeez, i sure have challenged myself! max is the man of my temple beth dreams but kirk is just the kind of freakazoid i always end up spending months with and worrying my parents about. BUT those same functional retards i date, the ones like kirk who scream in their sleep and work shitty jobs and announce when they've made a pee pee, those guys end up dumping ME first leaving me to wonder just what kind of freak show/vegas brothel i'll have to get hired by in order to have relations again. so i'm going with max, even tho he'll never, ever be on the show again, because he sent lorelai a jillion daisies, he'll be ok with a chupah (that luke whittled!), and he won't lead me to a life of whorin.
gg non-expert (ts): i am going to go wif kirk fer no other reason than he looks like alan cumming (star of such filmic masterworks as: reefer madness, son of the mask, cat tale, ant bully, bam bam and celeste and josie and the pussycats). he is totes a ginormo flaming mo who happens to live on my block (7th and b, woot woot) on occasion, i see him making out with this bald fat dude who resembles mr. kissimee-st. cloud, my skeezy phys ed teacher from 6th grade who does not exist, over on the corner by the diana and dodi deli - 1998's winner of the " nyc-based, korean-owned bodega wif the most fucked out biz name that inadvertantly references a worldwide cultural tragedy" award.

winner: max, because alan cumming is really just famous for having a last name that means "the act of jizz making" in english. that is so gay and gross.


gg expert (sb): mr kim (see above).
gg non-expert (ts): i am not racist but uncle skip (sanderson - on mom's side) is and he would be super bummed if i chose mr. kim, not because uncle skip is a bad person, but because he is a wealthy old school race horse owning italian whose gutz i love so much because he, oft under the cloak of darkness, loans me madd heffer amounts of old money when i e-overspend on limited edition c. ronson converse. plus, i have always had secret visions of dating a hessian even though a) i will never date again as i am destined to a life of solitude as a ferret owner whose cot-only rental room smells like urine and b) daniel paladino is not the nasty fatass pictured above who is instead the dude that popped up when sb google image searched (GIS#1) jerkwad. (see above)

winner: mr kim because we are all equal on the inside.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK IF WE AREN'T ALREADY BORED OF THIS FOR ROUND 2!