Peace in the Middle East (Village) - TS reviews her local Falafel

Aside from my cryogenically frozen guinea pig, Mr. Whiskers, and the smell of mom cooking Shake -N- Bake chicken tenders on any given Tuesday evening while I watch Price is Right, there is not a thing on this earth entire I love more than solo powerstuffing Falafel and Grape Leaves in NYC's own dirty East Village or Brooklyn's post art-school retard rodeo, Ye Olde Williamsburg. {Please note: I stuff solo because I have no friends.} (lies. -sb) Below find definitive conclusions to my comprehensive 3-month field study:

{Pre - script: Before reading any further please note that each outlet gets a .5 bonus for being open all nite, like every Mediteranean place in the world is, and for always welcoming, with open arms, at 3:30am or later, drunk sluts and normal dudes {dude TM's} who want to get their grub on. This makez for sensational people watching; solid fodder fer silent, mean-spirited razzing, which is my raison d'etre if ever i had one/knew what that meant.

Chickpea, St. Marks and 3rd Avenue, NYC - This place has no grape leaves at all, which is unabashed ridiculousness, and they know it. The falafel is just adequate. The staff, howevs, is five fucking stars; the girl with the mole and the baseball cap behind the counter will totally teach you how to make grape leaves if you act dissapointed enuff. The other small-fry flows me madd free sides because he clearly also wants to throw me the eff. Weird sidenote: "Chickpea," the name of this joint, is painted in Times New Roman size 567 point font down the front of the building. I may only be speaking fer myself here but I would so not want my 2700 dollar a month studio apartment to be snugly nestled on the 3rd floor behind the word "pea," jus sayin'. It's bad enuff to live on St. Marks, man.

SCORE: 3.5 points + default .5 open all nite bonus - 2 points for the
writing on the building and the no grape leaves bass ackwardness = total points, 2.

Damask, Avenue A and 5th Street, NYC - The bald guy workin the graveyard shift has this stone faced expression 100% of the time and is a total meanjeans, all zero fucking stars style. The grape leaves are dry compared to Cinderella Falafel, whose grape leaves reign supreme. This partic make of sandwhich will stink you out of home, office, and subway, which, when you've devoted yrself to a dxe life of celibacy, really matters not. But if yr going to keep trying, under the cloak of darkness, to unsuccessfully kick it to Brandon Reilly, it is advisable to avoid Damask for 3 to 16 days prior to actualizing any {embarassing enuff} eff throwing attempts.

SCORE TO FOLLOW: I am so fucking tired.


BONUS SB COMMENTARY-- i once brought a damask falafel slurry into a movie at the two boots dealie on 3rd st and you could practically see the green smell waves coming off my dinner like it was pepe le peu. even in the dark i could understand (understank?) where the expression "giving the stink eye" comes from. i left the movie early so i wouldn't get discovered as the source of stink/lynched.



Cinderella, St. Marks and 2nd Avenue - HOLY CRAP, the grape leaves here are twelve fucking stars, so sweet man. Totes unbeatable, like on some 2001 era Tiger Woods level. They also stand alone in terms of stacking the falafel sandwhich components correctly; each ingredient one on top of the other, allowing for a cornucopia of savory goodness in every last bite. {Insert Pepsi commercial style thumbs up here.} Main helper dude is so nice, but all like hubbah hubbah nice, dirtbag smile style, that one just can't help but feeling objectified. Watch out fer well dressed teenage homeless scraps with expensive dogs all beggin' fer change rite outside the entrance.

SCORE: 5.5 + default .5 open all nite bonus = 6 - 1 point for poor people/objectification combo = total points, 5.

Pita Power, on Bedford btwn North 7th and North 6th, is all gourmet and shit. I have never had their grape leaves but let's pretend I did and say they were too mushy. Their 'flavored balls' are delicious and rad but for years management and staffers gold fronted non-dairy status until, after an Action 13 Expose hosted by Roz Abrams, the Vegan police came and revoked their club membership card. The sizable staffer lady with frosted lipstick who rolls the late 80's Jersey style "claw" bangs always throws maje tude but douses that shit in Trappey's Red Devil; the Jag-you-are of cheap hot sauce, essentially racing from behind to snag the baton from the equally 'tudey Damask dude and win the Regional RudeNotRude Championships. Additionally, one of the counter boys used to be in, like, Native Nod or Indian Summer or Antioch Arrow or something and occasionally gets recognized by area musical elitists as such. Last but not least, one time 3 dude TM's got in a sick fight right outside and broke the giant front glass window and door. PP management left the area covered in duct tape for more than 5 weeks. OG Bonx!


SCORE: 5 + default .5 open all nite bonus - 1 for Claw Bangs 'tude + 2
for Trappey's Red Devil and Indian Summer and/or NativeNod and/or Antioch Arrow affiliation - 1.5 for misrepresentation of vegan eats + 4 for sick dude TM fight and inexcusably lengthy use of duct tape = total points, 7.

Oasis, on North 7th btwn Bedford and Berry,
smells like ass 24/7. All the chairs are either too high or too low for the counter, and there is so much aging shawarma visible it makes me throw up a little. The front is all glass so if yr tring to eat 3 sandwhiches and 2 {secret} servings of Baklava than be sure any number of kids with that flock of seagulls haircut are gonna be privy to yr binge. The falafel is unmatched because they put pickles in it, howevs, the grape leaves are sub-par because they are too tuff. I know this for a fact even though I have never had them.

SCORE TO FOLLOW: I am still so fucking tired.



DECISION: Class, please meet the winner of this year's NYC Area A+ Bad Breath Price-Point Pocket Meal, PITA POWER.







OTHER DECISION: Props to the author for writing a review about falafel and grapes leaves having only eaten the grape leaves at one of the 5 establishments reviewed. Viva la foundation of anything predicated on lies!

In super summing up, Shawarma is kindof gross and makes me throw up a little, as does the thought of Bea Arthur throwing the eff, as do eggs. In double super summing up, Kate"s joint has the nastiest freaking Marlon Blando style hummus/epoxy ever.

Mini bonus review by sb. That place in bk she likes to which I have been because I am fat and lazy...and am missing 3 toes on my right foot since that mini bike accident that never happened. (it is called zytoons and you know it's good cuz of the liberal application of tahini on everything. i think it's even drizzled into the diet coke. and oh those rock bottom bk prices! when you're there, you're family!* (*=semites only, sorry). -sb)

-ts (and sb on graphix and back-up opinions) (don't forget, sb also) (an sb concept and production)

d8xedge II - 8 questions for ts, by sb

preface:
SB!
THIS IS THE LONGEST INTERVIEW I HAVE EVER DONE. EDIT IT DOWN AND I WILL BE VERY CROSS WITH YOU! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! ALSO... I WOULD HIGHLY ADVISE YOU TO INCLUDE THE PART EARLIER IN THIS PARAGRAPH REGARDING THIS BEING THE LONGEST INTERVIEW I HAVE EVER DONE CAUSE IT IS FUNNY AND I NEED TO PERPETUALLY ONE UP YOU. Ready to post, Skippy! THENX.

*********

1. has being dxe improved your life or cast you down into a world of perscription meds, soapnet, and vaggy teas with hooker names (sleepy tyme, pg tips, sip n'bleed, etc)?

- datexedge {.com} has vastly improved my life because now I am free to have wicked bad crushes on exciting new, completely parent-unapproved boys every three days, in both my noggin and in reality; sometimes even volleying back-n-forth between them when we are at the same 5th wave emo social affairs.

- I have a close personal relationship with prescription meds... Ever so 'bout it 'bout it. My complex needz are generously met by my friendly, invisible, resident, pretend Doctor, Pancho Allister St. Germaine Suarez at: http://undergroundrailroadprescriptions4u.com, Username and password, respectively: help.me.be.less.inhibited and 2manycutedudes2count05

2. if gilmore girls' logan is as ugly and disgusting as you claim, why is he the "star" on a long-running program on a semi-major television network while a lad you deem to be hot like that manboy from that band or whatever is putting on his guy-liner (eye liner for men (tm)) somewhere before playing a show to a crowd that is equal to or maybe even less than the viewership of the 4 am screening of beastmaster on spike?

- These days, I tend to go for the underdogs! Having been ensconsed in the neverending collective super-circle jerk that is a coddled "overdogs," world, so to speak, I felt overshadowed and left behind, like the first two girls from Destiny's Child. With my many underdog male associates, I am able easily outshine them.

"HELLO! I AM TEETER AND THIS IS MY RADIO FLYER RED WAGON LOAD OF PERSONALITY! Indeed, my here counterpart is an unabashed humbag snoozefest, so how about paying me some more mind? Do you like my new shoes? Isn't may hair a most unusual shade of red? It really make my green eyes stand out. Did you know I'm a bonafide, screen actors guild enrolled cartoon voice? And a Sperber sister? And the lead singer for an up and coming mall "punk" band? If you'd be so kind as to put that in yr emo chatroom and smoke it, that would be grate."

I'm going for the gold with my quiet, looser, boring vapor trailed boyfriend always 2 steps behind me. Teeter Sperber por vida!

3. choose one phrase to never be able to say again under punishment of kicking: "i am the fattest," "i tooted," "MY needs!", or "i could make a life with him, don't joke!" or "i don't like him anymore."

- Sheesh, I guess "I am the fattest" cause Mom told me today I have to go to Fat Camp upstate because I am pushing maximum density and only spiraling to an even worser disgusting chubby dumpling style mess that no good man will ever marry. Owch, but, truer words were never spoken. No more cakes and pies for this chowhole.

4. from the overwhelming shampoo/air freshner smell of your former wheels to the perfume you used to wear in such enormous quantities that i thought you bought it by the steel drum, you are a fan of/oft associated with strong, girlie smells. if you could drench yrself in any one smell (french toast, new jersey apple orchard [minus white trash smoking moms], deli flowers), what would it be?

- French toast wif maple syrup and bananas - cause I read in Circus mag or maybe it was Metal Maniacs that the above is Gerard Way's favorite food and I would really love to have him inside me, howevs, he is in a band AND an overdog so it would have to be contained to captivating him with my overwhelming scent, while I sex make with him {read: throw the eff on dexicon page} in my head.

5. it's a sex baseball game: the pitcher throws the f, the batter doubles, one man goes out, the dugout goes wild, the fans do the wave, a player steals third. a, did someone get fucked or what? b, how much DO i love the movie bull durham? c, go sox.

A} someone got fucked and I think it was right on home base! Success, full success.

2} you love Bull Durham more than a smorgasborgue of bionic food and I would even wax my womanly assets for you if could get you 7 minutes in the back of a toyata carollo {a make of car that does not exist} with kevin costner. Remember sb, IF I WAX IT, THEY WILL COME {read also: cum} [ed note—lies! that sheltland pony of a man does not give me a boner! –sb]

D} no disrespek, borat style, but the sox effin suck. Toledo Hot Sticks 4ever { a baseball team that does not exist}

6. if one part of you had to be gay, which part would it be: your hand, your hoo, your face, your left boob, or the 4th toe on your left foot?

My hoo, I guess, but only if I could throw the eff to Kaya from The Butchies and/or Team Dresch she is the hottest and only blonde girlnot girl dudenotdude I have wanted to jump the fence for. I am assuming my left boob would up in this homo mix by default, no?

7. please describe the act of wilmer valderama pooping as if you were writing a press release. go:

2nd May 2005

For immediate release:

{Los Angeles, California}

Socially Meaningless Hispanic GayNotGay Actor Willder Valderamma Craps His Guts on Command During Tryouts for Lead Role In Miramax's Remake of HMS Pinnafore.


Today, at a go-see in back Lot 277B with Harvey Weinsten or whoever now runs that company, in the Miramax West Hollywood Compound,
Wilder Valderamma {that 70's Show, Punked, 1% Fake Restarauntour} crapped his gutz on command in front of an entire production staff onto a heap of old newspapers in hopes of landing a starring role opposite Kirsten Dunst and Bea Arthur in the 2006 remake of the HMS Pinnafore.


Onlookers remarked that casting agents were unimpressed with his fey 8 inch monkeytail topped with only a small spiral of diarehhea, as well as his nervous energy during his performance.


Tobey MaGuire {and his twin brother Jessup MaGuire - who does not exist} ended up landing the role by kicking out an impressive 10-minutes- to-produce black and green poocano. He is also newly super fat, so the team had more confidence that he would be consistent and effective in the gutz crapping demands of the role.


Wilderamma's rep was unavailable for comment at the time of release.


For additional information or press photos of above event, please contact Stunt Company Media, Inc.

Teeter Sperber - Head Publicist
{718} 222- 1746
Teeter@stuntcompany.com

8. math question: i am pure moods, headed for an emoseizure at 6 swings per hour going north towards gilmanton, nh. you are also pure moods, going due south on the same track at 10 swings a minute en route to philly. given this information, when are we due to enter the battledome and make each other cry?

We will make each other cry only when we put Andrew Ellis due center and effing skin him alive, work through 8 bags of Olestra tater chips each thereby making our asses explode, crap our gutz onto 2 price slash bin copies of the new Switchfoot album, and then beat the memory of both our loser ex-boyfriends with an old style, heavy as the hell, metal tennis racket. Clearly, I will make you cry first cause I am meaner.

With that aside, we will then bust the full on dine and dash at Kate's Joint, powerstuffing stacks and stacks of barbecue not buffalo wings, Unturkey Clubs, and 10 servings each of banana tiramisu - all the while with me downing Whiskey Sours AND Captain morgan's and ginger like tomorrow coming depends on it - with you being on yr cell phone all weeping that you suspect I am a raging alcholic finally hitting rock bottom. I will simulataneously be demanding that our fave waiter, A.J., pump Track #5, "Feels Like Rain" off the new Motion City Soundtrack record, entitled "Commit this To Memory," produced by Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 and mixed both by money rock bigwig Tom Lord-Alge and Drive Like Jehu tantrum rock luminary, Mark Trombino; featuring Patty Carrie of Limbeck on backing vocals as well as Hoppus himself; dropping on June 7th, 2005 on Epitaph records. {Read: I am a full time rock and roll publicist.}

We will then feel painfully full, call it yet another day in manic, hand to mouth combat New York, hi-five and part ways to watch Tivo for the next 3 to 16 hours. Laziness is the fucking panacea.

d8xedge - 8 questions for sb, by ts

1} Hello. I am making us do these interviews because I feel strongly that, in general, you-n-me need to have more spotlight shone on us. Are you resentful of this, yet another one of my "brilliant" ideas?

at this point, do you or i really have such a thing as a unique idea? our ideas are like bat sonar-- we send them out from our heads in little waves to bounce of each other without even opening our toothy, rabies-filled little mouths. in turn, i resent nothing, but, as a bat, i would like to avoid the spotlight as i prefer eating bugs, the dark, and pooping upside-down.

2} You broke up with me {read: plutonically, for the last time mom and dad, we are not gay} from 2000 to 2003. Why? Along those lines, how did you get so racist against indoor tanning?

as with our ideas, our decisions are made in jointly, if not in simultaneity. yes, we broke up in part due to yr excess tanning/waxing/manicuring/starving because i was frightened of the insecure sorority girl who had possessed my friend teeter, the lass who used to fart in public, order her cheese fries with a side of cheese and some cheese also, and do coffins on her skateboard without worrying about the effect it would have on her fingernails. also, your then-boyfriend hated women A LOT, like, mach 9 hatred, the kind of misogyny found only in fashion designers, high-ranking catholics, and ann coulter. as a woman, i did not like being around him, which i think is not unreasonable-- were you dating a neo-nazi, i'd probably take a raincheck on being the third for friday night dinners at denny's as well. ANYwho, whilst i had my issues, you had yr issues as well, and while neither one of us can remember exactly what they were, i'm sure they had something to do with my issues and something to do with our hating the world in general. either way, our split was mutual, as was our reunion.

i got racist against indoor tanning back when i got eyeballs. there are a lot of things inherent to being a lady-- baby-having parts, instinctual nurturing skills, chee chees-- but the ability to, at any moment, be able to strip down and look good with a gold pole between your asscheeks, aka a bronze butt burrito, is NOT one of them. which is to say, the only reason i'd sit in a cancer pod to turn my skin brown would be if my job depended on it, and it does not, thanks god. dressing like a park ranger if you are not one can be cool, dressing like a stripper if you are not one is lame. this also explains my aversion to giant nails and extreme pubic topiary. there were certainly more important things for you to worry about back then, like, say, "why am i so hungry?" and "why am i dating an asshole?" SAYIN.

3} I love Strivectin SD, Rembrandt Super Tooth Whitener, and color-depositing Aveda Shampoo and Conditioner twin sets. I hate my sisters boyfriends dog Miles and Andrew Ellis. Name your three favorite beauty products and yr 2 most arch nemisis's.

that aveda hair oil lube stuff, the fancy clarins zit cream my sister got me which is really just sweet smelling clearasil, and tylenol blue, which doesn't really count, but who doesn't love occasionally doing the blue? i hate rupert murdoch and jay leno (you know i hate other people but google is a powerful thing and after what happened to biggie and tupac i'm all about increasing the peace).

4} Tell the readers about how much or how little you like my band, Ley Royal Scam and why.
Also, pls tell the reader what yr honest assessment of my bands 4 new songs that you heard one time for the very first time 1 hour ago is.

i like ley royal scam a lot because teeter is finally in the spotlight and nobody puts baby in the corner. also because her speaking voice is aural gold and getting it to the masses via song is a gift to the world. the new songs are good but it was hard to hear them over you saying how much you hated them/hearing them/your voice etc.

5} I am so happy that we are grate friends because, much like I think of myself, - find you to be an effing literary genius. What are the emotions you experience when you hang out with me?

elation, frustration, exasperation, rinse, repeat.

5a} I just looked over my shoulder and saw one bit of your interview questions for me on the computer screen and I can already tell that your questions are going to be funnier than mine. This evokes feeling of inadequacy in me regarding how yr so much more funnier than me you are. What the eff?

mom, dad, don't fight. girls are always crying and bleeding.

6} FUCKING PARSLEY AND ONION? BITCH! What is yr favorite hummus brand?

well, i like parsley and onion flavor a lot but i think sabra is my favorite brand, chunky style my favorite flavor, because it comes in a fuckin' trough and has the same name as the falafel place i went to when i was a kid when falafels were the size of my fist and the world was a magical place.

7} I am sitting 1 foot away from you right now, having just eaten 2 Taco Bell bean burritos. Can you smell my onion breath?

actually, you asked me that with yr mouth about four inches away from my face, and no.

8} Is it funny to you that most of yr interview questions somehow tie back to me or is this par for the course?

bitch, i know yr life. totally par and funny as well.

Bonus question: I poop like 7 times a day, do you? If not, am I normal?

i do not have enough time in the day to log (no pun intended) that many hours in the WC. you are normal for an infant or old person, sure.

Extra credit 7th wave emo question: Tall Ships in a Sea of Loneliness are opening for Empty Promises and Samantha Jane's Diary at Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ. You really want to wear yr Empty Promises t-shirt to the show and I repeatedly encourage you not to cause that's so gay. Whose right, you or me?

BUT if i'm wearing my tall ships in a sea of loneliness (tsiasol) pin and my samantha jane's diary patch on my courier bag (conveniently covering the brand tag which i don't remember anymore but it's the kind of bag that comes with a li'l koala keychain thing that i thought was totally cute at the time but that was a year ago and now i realize that it was retarded, duh), then won't empty promises be hurt if they get left out? i've read their myspace page and they say their fans mean a lot to them! did you mean that i should wear the pink empty promises shirt i have instead of the green one? or maybe the blue one? IM me back asap cuz my mom's driving me to the show in an hour and i want to have this settled before i do my hair so i don't fuck it up changing shirts a million times. i'm meeting messageboard friends and i don't want to come home and find out that the whole internet thinks my hair is uggs and that i'm fat also.

NEXT WEEK - TS IN THE HOT SEAT!