ts and sb proudly present/pass down...the ten commandments of dxe.com

until the supreme court says we can't, dxe.com will keep these laws front and center. so begins our testimony!

I. as far as dxe is concerned, the most important inventions of man are as follows: fire, penicillin, google image search, jimmies/sprinkles, and tivo.

II. dxe's core marketing meetings are too be held every tuesday at 9 at the new whole foods. let the 365 grapefruit soda flow, holla!

III. dxe.com will never serve as an online battledome for teeter to spar with a, record execs, b, world religions, c, exbfs, d, dumb hos, or e, any combination of the above. dxe serves to bring people together (in their self-proclaimed solitude), not start drama. plus, we cannot afford the 200+k in donations to the harlem boys choir it will take to make things right.

III.b drama anonymous meetings are to be held every tuesday night at 9:30 at the new whole foods. low fat guac to purify!

IV. at no point is dxe.com allowed to raise sb's internet profile so that all her enemies from summer camp can google her and post pictures of her from her supporting turn in 1991's production of fiddler on the roof.

V. shit must be bought. make haste!

VI. sb must get cancer (maybe just of the foot or something) so that she can get the make a wish foundation to book her ten minutes in the back of a van with josh homme. she doesn't care if the new record is mediocre because his face is 5 fucking stars and she's gonna get her foot hooked on smoking right now.

VII. nobody makes the authors of dxe.com laugh harder than the authors of dxe.com. and so it was written.

VIII. should sb and ts friend-break up again (NEVER) then sb will get dxe.com during the week and ts will get it on weekends, xmas, pesach, and prince spaghetti day. they will meet at the fresh city at the cheesequake reststop to transfer custody and share the cost of dxe.com's food, orthodontia, and tuition at vassar.

IX. member that time you spent $25 on a fucking white t-shirt? what were you thinking? oh wait, you can't tell that story to impress the opposite sex because it hasn't happened yet. fire up the flux capacitor, get back to the future, and buy our shit!

X. NEVER DOUBT DXE.COM. DXE.COM IS THE POWER, THE LIGHT, AND THE WAY. DXE.COM IS WILL GIVE YOU SHINIER HAIR, WHITER TEETH, AND REDUCE THE SIGNS OF AGING. DXE.COM IS THE ANSWER AND YOUR LIFE IS THE QUESTION. IF DXE.COM LASTS FOR MORE THAN 5 HOURS, YOU SHOULD CONSULT A PHYSICIAN. ALL HAIL! FOLLOW US! THE NEW WHOLE FOODS IS SO FUCKING CROWDED! A FIRESTORM TO PURIFY! DXE(.COM) POR VIDA!

ts's top ten of sxsw (as posted by sb as teeter's in emo deprogramming)

Fer those of you dxe'ers who are not looped into to seasonal music industry protocol, pls find ts's top ten list for this years sxsw music conference/maje labe circle jerk/6,000 person alcoholics anonymous meeting waiting to happen:

10. That one cute dude from My Epiphany on Eyeball Recs who sold me the super gay light pink belt rite off his very own 28 inch waist while Tegan and Sarah were playing.

9. Hangin pimp tite wiff that other one cute dude who works at The Militia Group who I had been waiting to meet after months of hubba hubba phone flirtationz. He was a total vision so I pinched his tush.

8. Tex-Mex.

7. That other other one cute dude who works for DCM Management who came to our brunch whose face I dreampt of kissing wif tongue as he powerstuffed chipz and salsa and completely ignored me.

6. That other other other cute Australian 20 yr old wif those eyes you could just melt in bowling a few games by my side at the snoot city hubba hubba humbag snoozefest Deisel party while he too steadily ignored me. Um, I beat him by, like, 299 points. Throughout the whole match he only knocked over one pin. Teen incompetance is ever so hubba hubba delicious!Oh! And that accent. Ready to throw the eff, f'reals. 100%

5. Frozen Margaritas.

4. Spontaneously kissing the face of that other other other other one super cute dude in the driveway of the Unnoficial Spin Magazine/Stolen Transmission/Soundgirl house party. I am now hopefully going to build a life with that dude.
Watch me work.

3. Beans. Pfffffft. I tooted.

2. Sharing a bed nitely wif the hottest gay dude I know and wanting to shout it from the mountaintops simply because I was sharing my bed wif a dude. No Mom and Dad, fer the last time, I am not gay!

1. Cause no matter how many cute dudes you pretend are gonna be all up in yr gutz, watching real deal drunk sluts never gets old.

DATEXEDGE: A LAND WHARE ONE CAN DREAM AND BUY HOTT MERCH