SPECIAL GUEST AUTHOR/WINNER OF THE MICHAEL DUKAKIS MIDDLE SCHOOL ESSAY WRITING CONTESTJake In Progress review

by aw, Mrs. Celnicker's english section, accelerated track

Jake in progress is a new television program that's made for moms that's about a single man. I've known what sex is since a F.O.N.* Ron Ward led panel discussion during recess, 4th grade. Also, I've seen episodes of Sex In The City in reruns on TBS cause my parents blocked HBO on my personal private bedroom TV. I don't understand why anyone would want to watch John Stamos do the sex dance with lots of hot girls. It makes me sad like when I see Anya DeLorenzo lock tongues with guys behind the snack shack during lunch. She is pretty, but even though she is popular she has self-esteem issues cause from what I can tell she'll kiss anyone with a face, even F.O.N. Ron if he asked nice. It makes me sad that there are so many hot girls and I will never be one of them (not even if I had a nose job like my mom) because I don't wear tight clothes or let strangers enter my bubble**. But what makes me sadder is that even if I was a hot girl (which not even giving up curly fries 4 life could accomplish), the best partner for ABC prime time naked loving I'd be offered is Uncle Jesse, who I heard has an entire closet of fancy cowboy boots. To conclude, I might as well add another hour of French horn practice into my weekly schedule instead of watching TV on Thursdays at 8 cause if your mom is like mine, then you've lost remote priviledges for being a "late bloomer that just can't appreciate it yet" even though you're only 12 and she's the one that won't let you wear make up to school.

*Freak Of Nature
**arms length, all around

cherries in the snow review

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
cherries in the snow is a book by emma forrest who has two of the fattest cats i've ever seen, one of which is so fat that it looks like a smaller cat is hanging on to its belly like a remora cat except it's really just cat lard. i got a computer keyboard from emma and didn't realize for three weeks that the reason typing made me sneeze was because the keys were resting on a soft bed of sheddage and pet dander and cat AIDS and whatever other devil shavings come off of these heathen not-dogs that shit in a sandbox, lovingly cut yr face, and vomit tumbleweeds. there are cats in cherries in the snow as well as gays, fake boobies, she-gays, children, ungays, vegan food, and phillip seymour hoffman. you don't have to like cats or have a sexual preference of any kind to like this book as it is funny and makes you better looking as you read it. in sum, cherries in the snow is a good book and i hope emma's exboyfriend gets cat AIDS in a shit sandbox.

sb's ts's john mayer has a tv show review review

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group (with help from the afterschool juicy juice writing center)
teeter's john meyer has a tv show review made many important points but there are some major errors that need correcting like saying that mr mayer is ugly in the face. while he does dress like a bottom of the closet goblin and has eyebags that could double as knapsacks, he has that semite-next-door thing going for him that makes me wish he didn't write horrible music or stick it to frankenskanks like lizzie grubman. on the other hand, teeter was right to call his show funny and point out his good relationshp with the african american community. in conclusion, john meyer has a tv show is funny and the show's namesake is dreamy but his taste in music, clothes, and white people needs serious improvement.

ts's john mayer has a tv show review

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
'John Mayer has a tv show' is funny because it shows that that singer/songwriter John Mayer is funny even though he is really ugly and even though his music is so bad. SB says that black people love John Mayer and that seems right because Trick Daddy was a guest and they seemed friendly and John Mayer did not seem afraid. In summing up, John Mayer Has A TV Show is funnier than a hamburger where part of it is run over by a taxi or someone forgetting only one Timberland boot in the middle of the sidewalk.

diana rupp review

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
diana rupp is a brown haired lady who runs a school on the lower east side called make that teaches knitting, crocheting, and various other crafts that our mothers or grandmothers should have taught us for free if they weren't busy being so educated and business-savvy. diana taught me how to knit even though it took me longer to learn than anyone else in the class, even though i had the biggest head in the class after we took measurements for hats, so not only couldn't i knit but she also couldn't make me feel better about my freakish head size by telling me it was because my brain is big with smarts like knit-learning intellligence. it's ok now tho because i knit like a champ and even made my own pattern for crocheted fingerless gloves. in conclusion, diana is a good teacher with great hippie style and my mom says my big head isn't noticable anyway and wishes that i were going to law school instead of fooling around making scarves.

my t-mobile sidekick review

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
my t-mobilesidekick is shaped little like those boxes of nerds candies that aunt penny on dad's side who is like 67 and still lives at home with her mom on lake hopcatkong or wherever that place is where the jersey devil is from. the t-mobile sidekick is the color gray and makes almost everyone i know hate me kindof because there is never a moment when i don't have my nose in my sidekick using its all you can use e-mail, text messaging and aol insant messenger with paul from the miltia group because i just found out that he is so handsome and not a what katie couric calls a "man – ho" which means he does not get with a lot of girls or have bad colonic health. in summing up, i am also able to talk bad about anyone in class or study group or wherever and never get caught because since that one time at flag football i kind of hate everyone and wish that the jersey devil would murder them and/or scare them into getting ass cancer.

wonderfalls review

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
wonderfalls was a really excellent tv show that got cancelled after four episodes and starred a pretty canadian actress who had tchotchkes speak to her although none of them told her she dressed like grunge's rainbow woollen hairball. any good tv show has to be funny and have people doing it, and wonderfalls had both, plus an actor with george whipple jr eyebrows and the daughter from "mommie dearest" playing the grown-ass woman she currently is. i just got the wonderfalls dvds and while i am bummed that they never got to the episode where pretty canadian does more than face suck with the guy with the stubble, aka "party of six," i really liked all the episodes and will cry myself to sleep that they will never make more than the 13 i have seen. in conclusion, wonderfalls is a great show that got murdered while every 9 seconds a new shitty law and order is born.

the nitemare of you band review

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
the nitemare of you band is pretty much my new favorite band and has a singer who is very pretty in the face but who also used to be in a very bad band called the movielife that was not so much his terrible band as it was this other guy's terrible band. the boy doing all the singing now for the nitemare of you band is skinny and wares ladies pants and has dark italian eyes and i am not sure but he makes me feel warm down in my parts so think i am thinking he will be kind of perfect for face kissing. in summing up, I just have to go see the nightmare of you band or I will die when they play this tuesday at the downtown in farmingdale long island but I will miss sekoyah's birthday party where her mom and half-sister klamydia are making sekoyah and all the other girls from the block rotisserrie chicken and that is sad because it will be delicious and they will all talk behind my back if I don't go.

los angeles review

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
los angeles is spanish for "hell scape," and it is also the name of a city on the other side of the united states. you can see los angeles on television, on the pages of us weekly magazine, and in movies, such as all of them. god hates los angeles, which is why he smites it with floods, riots, droughts, wilmer valderama, and earthquakes. if you end up there looking for things that don't make you want to die, you should go visit my friend paisley, eat a cheap taco, and/or count all the thrift stores that offer free tests for the hiv. in conclusion, i wish paisley would move back to nyc from los angeles because i miss her and don't want her to get the hiv.

ley royal scam band review

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program.

the ley royal scam band is like one of the best bands ever with a girl singer who sings for it. this band is a great and neat band because they used to not be a real band at all but instead were a fake band that started so thay could just make fun of a popular kid who was kind of mean so they put mean words into the words of their songs for the popular kid to hear on the radio maybe or in his or someone elses headphones or on that music choice extreme tv channel if they could ever get really famous or if the music choice extreme channel even existed or whatever.

One boy in the band has a glass eye that sometimes falls out and makes him angry and half blind. I would like to get a picture with him for my locker so I really hope he knows which direction to smile in. in summing up, it is not fair to make fun of mean people at their own expense in order to form a great and neat band unless you really have no other job to have.

bride and prejudice movie review

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
bridge and prejudice is a movie that is not bend it like beckham, which starred johnathan rhys-meyers and a pretty indian lady. in that movie, the pretty lady was good at soccer and johnathan rhys-meyers was her coach and in the end they kissed and her father got over being jealous of how hot johnathan rhys-meyers was and the two men played cricket together and not soccer because johnathan rhys-meyers, who used to play soccer, couldn't anymore because he hurt his knee in a hotness accident. in conclusion, bend it like beckham is awesome in large part because of johnathan rhys-meyers' visage and bride and prejudice is sometimes funny but you're never quite sure if it's funny on purpose.

rotisserie chicken review

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program.
rotisserie chicken got me and my friends into a lot of trouble the other day for a lot of days in a row because we used it to be unkind to someone we all do not like at all. my friend sekoyah always says that rotisserie chicken is her favorite food. she thinks it is even better than free-range chicken or even low fat rice pudding or mccain's mashed potatoe smiles which if you ask me i think can't be possible because mccains mashed potatoe smiles well thay are such a good value at $2.39 a bag and are also such a grate snack food. in summing up, i know my cousin wants to date darnell simmons. i know it i just know it.

review of olestra chips

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
olestra chips, which are chips made with olestra, which is a fake fat, which can sometimes make your asshole cry grease, come in many delicious varieties. i am lucky because i am young and can eat anything i want and while i still get incredibly fat at least the ass of my pants does not look like the bottom of a paper bag from the fries'n'falafel'n'fondue lunch truck. my favorite flavor is the doritos because the nacho cheeze does a good job of masking the after taste of chemicals and poison. in conclusion, olestra chips are delicious if you can trust your sphincter and don't mind eating food that will probably give you 504828 different types of cancer.