dXe | pay us mind - reviews

sb review

2005-11-10T14:12:00.000-05:00

by ts, 1/2 of the orientation partner exersize for junior brownie troop leaders (brownettes) and classroom cleanup brigade

Sb is my most best friend who has a lot of shoes, many of which are wooden clogs but despite this fact she dose {sic} not ware {sic} Leederhosen {sic}. She is grate {sic} at making making fun of people even funnier than what it is like when you make fun of them alone or with another less funny friend. She is real smart and often teaches me about politics and also lets me sleep on her cowch {sic} every other nite and complain about my life and how my hair is not growing fast enuff {sic} every single day. She dresses like an urban hippie and her shiny brown weave is way more prettier than mine and when we rite {sic} for datexedge I always feel certain that she is way more funnier than I could ever even once be even on my funniest day. SB sleeps very late but is now waking up earlier so she can have more time in the day to make out with her small (read: medium) poodle. We broke up once because she John-Wilkes-Booth-style, shoot-em-up style hated my misodgenist {sic} Wrong Island guido style {now ex-} boyfriend because he made me ugly in my guts and noggin and hart {sic}. Also, she has TIVO also. I like SB very munch {sic}.

ts review

2005-11-10T14:05:00.000-05:00

by sb, other 1/2 of the orientation partner exersize for junior brownie troop leaders (brownettes) and classroom cleanup brigade

ts is my platonic life partner, which means we are in a sexless domestic partnership where will fill the sex void by complaining about dudes, watching tivo, snacking, arguing over whether my dog is little or medium, and speaking in an outdoor voice. more than she wants to find affordably priced/not grotesque hippie styles, teet wants me to admit how much i missed her when we broke up 4 years ago during the time she was dating the clown from slipknot (who she never dated), but my writing teacher told me to show, not tell, so i ignore the question but then accompany her to h&m, even tho it's in midtown and it takes all my strength to resist that store's mighty, synthetic pull. teet also loves her sidekick, which is no longer covered in black and white checks/a skakick, ordering things in restaurants she won't like, and hating rory. she is the best houseguest i've ever had because she just passes out on the couch and cleans my sink when she wakes up. in conclusion, ts and are a bbf 4 vida (even if she dates the zombie from mudvayne and/or i won't go shopping with her for hippie styles tonight) and when we move to our golden girls'-style hacienda she and i will share a bathroom.

peter banks review

2005-08-17T14:59:00.000-04:00

by sb and ts
newport public library sharing is caring after school tutoring program on how to use a thesaurus (HENCE THE 8TH GRADE LEVEL VOCAB, take that, admissions board at st. shira's academy) and canned food drive for old black people
peter banks is someone we met through diana rupp (see sb's diana rupp review, which is what diana's current manpiece jay did to screen her before they met and saw each other's faces) who looks like adam sandler a little but not as jewy or generally gross. peter banks is a tall grown up who wears element t shirts but most likely doesn't skateboard in real life which kind of makes him a poser but not really cuz maybe the shirt was a gift and it was laundry day. he worked at a important job at rockstar games which is a company that makes video games that teet's dad says is destroying the future of america's youth but peter banks quit because he said they were all mean people and peter is, despite his high tolerance for brown and clear alcohol, a sensitive man. peter sang a neil diamond song during karaoke and squatted through a lot of the song as if the song were coming out of his soul or maybe his asshole, sb's not quite sure. he also tried to sing a john denver song with teeter but was drunk and mean and cancelled it because he didn't know the words and therefore could not defecate the song to his liking. in conclusion (says sb), peter banks cares about karaoke a lot, probably more than he cares about whiskey or the future of america's youth. in summing up (says teet), cancelling john denver's country road made teeter hate him kind of but not really. overall (says us), if you are reading this because somebody is trying to set you up with peter banks, effin go for it if thinking of a drunk/not-ugly billy madison gives you a boner.

my saturday july 16th, 2005 review

2005-07-17T12:47:00.000-04:00

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
july 16th was a day that sucked. me and andrea and snags and bonnie and shel and matt and annie took the f train to siren fest but something at the 2nd avenue stop happened that was ileegal so the cops came and made the ride take 2 hours. once we got to coney island we saw 4 and a half seconds of q and not u's last rock show ever and then me and bonnie ate lots of funnell cake and roast corn and kinishes on the boardwalk amidst the post artschool retard rodeo/beach going boriqua wellspring and then turned around and instantly went back to nyc on the f train cause we have social ankiety and need pakil or valium or both but that took another 2 hours because god hates us. in summing up, i kill siren fest in my mind and the mta totally blows. in additionally summing up, the K on my sidekick keypad broke and so i used X's instead which sb found and replaced in her 'puter word program in order to post this. in conclusive summing upwards, pakil is not a real drug, ankiety is not a real problem, and the mta still blows.

my thursday July 14th, 2005 review

2005-07-17T00:40:00.000-04:00

by aw, Congregation Ner Tamid day camp, bimah studies section
Thursday, the Fourteenth day of July in the Year 2005 has got me so soured I can only do a recap: Firstly, I watched television programming of a documentary nature with an internet dating subject matter. It made me realize the future is a sad place. Then, I got in a brain-fuck fight with a has-been crush the size of one ulcer that no Prilosec can fix. Luckily, after that I accidentally touched cat feces with my bare hands! But before the night was over, I ruined SB's birthday gift surprise 13 months in the making by not having the forethought to realize the shipping label on SB's parcel from the UCSB bookstore would ruin SB's surprise at the UCSB sweatshirt inside, which was for SB. In conclusion, you should never do dishonest things like buy a senior citizen ticket to see "murderball", cause this is the payback and it is so not worth the 4 (four) dollar savings.

my saturday july 9th, 2005 review

2005-07-17T00:31:00.000-04:00

by sb, larry bird's program for penmanship special camper
my saturday july 9th was ok, although i spent most of it in a costco in brooklyn with a skinny guy named peaches who drives a truck, sails, can skateboard, and basically would give any billyburg girl, from the wenches in their boots'n'ruffles to the flashdancers who have removed the shoulders from all of their clothes, hugenormo boners and if he's not a friendster celebrity than i am a bad judge of the universe. anywho, i am immune to such tomfoolery and am holding out for another round of naked dissapointment til i meet a member of the tribe anyway, so i spent mucho time with peaches buying supplies for a big bbq the next day and listening to shitty music in his car, completely hard on-free. after all the excitement of strolling aisles filled with giant tubs of ketchup and boxes of 3000 tampons, it was all i could do to come home and walk buzzo to pick up my fave chicken rice bowl to recharge and watch made on my tivo. moments later tho, due either to the exhaustion of filling a bk hunk's trunk (tr'hunk?) with 150 hot dogs or eating a chicken rice bowl spiked with date rape powder, i fell asleep on my bed watching a movie and didn't wake up til ts called me to tell me that jess had a what's up matador cd on the ep of gilmore girls she was watching. in conclusion, i have wasted my life.

(F)atlas Review (xtra length to make up for all the time we stopped writing reviews and only reviewed stuff in our minds)

2005-07-10T02:05:00.000-04:00

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
(F)atlas, on 2nd avenue and 5th street, is me and the stay at home moms crew fave vegan needs restaurant, like, ever. it has delicious delicious tofu blend-in deserts and fake turkey salad sandwhiches and is very expensive because nyc likes to torcher people who live there who like to eat and ware clothes and see movies and live in apartments. (F)atlas always has cute boys that we never talk to and there and lots of vegantreats.com cakes and pies that are very delicious and also very expensive. the guys that work there love girls and will always give discounts to the girls they love the most who is never us or never me. the way they smile at other girls not me makes me feel icky but i wish i could get that discount or whatever. also, the homelessnothomeless guy that is always there who is not sb's dad but shore does look alot like him i think now likes me in that special way because i chit chat with him because he seems lonely. my favorite slice is the chocolate encased strawberry shortcake and my favorite blend in is vanilla with raspberries and oreos and coconute (coconute!) flakes but i hate the fake fish sandwhich that suz made me get it was just murder on my mouth. In summing up, i kindof hate this kid gabrielle ben-meyer because he is a jock and a dick. jus' sayin.

SPECIAL GUEST AUTHOR/WINNER OF THE MICHAEL DUKAKIS MIDDLE SCHOOL ESSAY WRITING CONTESTJake In Progress review

2005-03-24T16:09:00.000-05:00

by aw, Mrs. Celnicker's english section, accelerated track

Jake in progress is a new television program that's made for moms that's about a single man. I've known what sex is since a F.O.N.* Ron Ward led panel discussion during recess, 4th grade. Also, I've seen episodes of Sex In The City in reruns on TBS cause my parents blocked HBO on my personal private bedroom TV. I don't understand why anyone would want to watch John Stamos do the sex dance with lots of hot girls. It makes me sad like when I see Anya DeLorenzo lock tongues with guys behind the snack shack during lunch. She is pretty, but even though she is popular she has self-esteem issues cause from what I can tell she'll kiss anyone with a face, even F.O.N. Ron if he asked nice. It makes me sad that there are so many hot girls and I will never be one of them (not even if I had a nose job like my mom) because I don't wear tight clothes or let strangers enter my bubble**. But what makes me sadder is that even if I was a hot girl (which not even giving up curly fries 4 life could accomplish), the best partner for ABC prime time naked loving I'd be offered is Uncle Jesse, who I heard has an entire closet of fancy cowboy boots. To conclude, I might as well add another hour of French horn practice into my weekly schedule instead of watching TV on Thursdays at 8 cause if your mom is like mine, then you've lost remote priviledges for being a "late bloomer that just can't appreciate it yet" even though you're only 12 and she's the one that won't let you wear make up to school.

*Freak Of Nature
**arms length, all around

cherries in the snow review

2005-03-12T04:09:00.000-05:00

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
cherries in the snow is a book by emma forrest who has two of the fattest cats i've ever seen, one of which is so fat that it looks like a smaller cat is hanging on to its belly like a remora cat except it's really just cat lard. i got a computer keyboard from emma and didn't realize for three weeks that the reason typing made me sneeze was because the keys were resting on a soft bed of sheddage and pet dander and cat AIDS and whatever other devil shavings come off of these heathen not-dogs that shit in a sandbox, lovingly cut yr face, and vomit tumbleweeds. there are cats in cherries in the snow as well as gays, fake boobies, she-gays, children, ungays, vegan food, and phillip seymour hoffman. you don't have to like cats or have a sexual preference of any kind to like this book as it is funny and makes you better looking as you read it. in sum, cherries in the snow is a good book and i hope emma's exboyfriend gets cat AIDS in a shit sandbox.

sb's ts's john mayer has a tv show review review

2005-03-11T21:30:00.001-05:00

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group (with help from the afterschool juicy juice writing center)
teeter's john meyer has a tv show review made many important points but there are some major errors that need correcting like saying that mr mayer is ugly in the face. while he does dress like a bottom of the closet goblin and has eyebags that could double as knapsacks, he has that semite-next-door thing going for him that makes me wish he didn't write horrible music or stick it to frankenskanks like lizzie grubman. on the other hand, teeter was right to call his show funny and point out his good relationshp with the african american community. in conclusion, john meyer has a tv show is funny and the show's namesake is dreamy but his taste in music, clothes, and white people needs serious improvement.

ts's john mayer has a tv show review

2005-03-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
'John Mayer has a tv show' is funny because it shows that that singer/songwriter John Mayer is funny even though he is really ugly and even though his music is so bad. SB says that black people love John Mayer and that seems right because Trick Daddy was a guest and they seemed friendly and John Mayer did not seem afraid. In summing up, John Mayer Has A TV Show is funnier than a hamburger where part of it is run over by a taxi or someone forgetting only one Timberland boot in the middle of the sidewalk.

diana rupp review

2005-03-10T18:03:00.000-05:00

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
diana rupp is a brown haired lady who runs a school on the lower east side called make that teaches knitting, crocheting, and various other crafts that our mothers or grandmothers should have taught us for free if they weren't busy being so educated and business-savvy. diana taught me how to knit even though it took me longer to learn than anyone else in the class, even though i had the biggest head in the class after we took measurements for hats, so not only couldn't i knit but she also couldn't make me feel better about my freakish head size by telling me it was because my brain is big with smarts like knit-learning intellligence. it's ok now tho because i knit like a champ and even made my own pattern for crocheted fingerless gloves. in conclusion, diana is a good teacher with great hippie style and my mom says my big head isn't noticable anyway and wishes that i were going to law school instead of fooling around making scarves.

my t-mobile sidekick review

2005-03-10T18:02:00.002-05:00

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
my t-mobilesidekick is shaped little like those boxes of nerds candies that aunt penny on dad's side who is like 67 and still lives at home with her mom on lake hopcatkong or wherever that place is where the jersey devil is from. the t-mobile sidekick is the color gray and makes almost everyone i know hate me kindof because there is never a moment when i don't have my nose in my sidekick using its all you can use e-mail, text messaging and aol insant messenger with paul from the miltia group because i just found out that he is so handsome and not a what katie couric calls a "man – ho" which means he does not get with a lot of girls or have bad colonic health. in summing up, i am also able to talk bad about anyone in class or study group or wherever and never get caught because since that one time at flag football i kind of hate everyone and wish that the jersey devil would murder them and/or scare them into getting ass cancer.

wonderfalls review

2005-03-10T18:02:00.001-05:00

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
wonderfalls was a really excellent tv show that got cancelled after four episodes and starred a pretty canadian actress who had tchotchkes speak to her although none of them told her she dressed like grunge's rainbow woollen hairball. any good tv show has to be funny and have people doing it, and wonderfalls had both, plus an actor with george whipple jr eyebrows and the daughter from "mommie dearest" playing the grown-ass woman she currently is. i just got the wonderfalls dvds and while i am bummed that they never got to the episode where pretty canadian does more than face suck with the guy with the stubble, aka "party of six," i really liked all the episodes and will cry myself to sleep that they will never make more than the 13 i have seen. in conclusion, wonderfalls is a great show that got murdered while every 9 seconds a new shitty law and order is born.

the nitemare of you band review

2005-03-10T18:01:00.001-05:00

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program
the nitemare of you band is pretty much my new favorite band and has a singer who is very pretty in the face but who also used to be in a very bad band called the movielife that was not so much his terrible band as it was this other guy's terrible band. the boy doing all the singing now for the nitemare of you band is skinny and wares ladies pants and has dark italian eyes and i am not sure but he makes me feel warm down in my parts so think i am thinking he will be kind of perfect for face kissing. in summing up, I just have to go see the nightmare of you band or I will die when they play this tuesday at the downtown in farmingdale long island but I will miss sekoyah's birthday party where her mom and half-sister klamydia are making sekoyah and all the other girls from the block rotisserrie chicken and that is sad because it will be delicious and they will all talk behind my back if I don't go.

los angeles review

2005-03-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
los angeles is spanish for "hell scape," and it is also the name of a city on the other side of the united states. you can see los angeles on television, on the pages of us weekly magazine, and in movies, such as all of them. god hates los angeles, which is why he smites it with floods, riots, droughts, wilmer valderama, and earthquakes. if you end up there looking for things that don't make you want to die, you should go visit my friend paisley, eat a cheap taco, and/or count all the thrift stores that offer free tests for the hiv. in conclusion, i wish paisley would move back to nyc from los angeles because i miss her and don't want her to get the hiv.

ley royal scam band review

2005-03-10T17:59:00.001-05:00

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program.

the ley royal scam band is like one of the best bands ever with a girl singer who sings for it. this band is a great and neat band because they used to not be a real band at all but instead were a fake band that started so thay could just make fun of a popular kid who was kind of mean so they put mean words into the words of their songs for the popular kid to hear on the radio maybe or in his or someone elses headphones or on that music choice extreme tv channel if they could ever get really famous or if the music choice extreme channel even existed or whatever.

One boy in the band has a glass eye that sometimes falls out and makes him angry and half blind. I would like to get a picture with him for my locker so I really hope he knows which direction to smile in. in summing up, it is not fair to make fun of mean people at their own expense in order to form a great and neat band unless you really have no other job to have.

bride and prejudice movie review

2005-03-10T17:59:00.000-05:00

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
bridge and prejudice is a movie that is not bend it like beckham, which starred johnathan rhys-meyers and a pretty indian lady. in that movie, the pretty lady was good at soccer and johnathan rhys-meyers was her coach and in the end they kissed and her father got over being jealous of how hot johnathan rhys-meyers was and the two men played cricket together and not soccer because johnathan rhys-meyers, who used to play soccer, couldn't anymore because he hurt his knee in a hotness accident. in conclusion, bend it like beckham is awesome in large part because of johnathan rhys-meyers' visage and bride and prejudice is sometimes funny but you're never quite sure if it's funny on purpose.

rotisserie chicken review

2005-03-10T17:58:00.000-05:00

by ts, 7a-gifted, miss weasely's stimulating saturdays program.
rotisserie chicken got me and my friends into a lot of trouble the other day for a lot of days in a row because we used it to be unkind to someone we all do not like at all. my friend sekoyah always says that rotisserie chicken is her favorite food. she thinks it is even better than free-range chicken or even low fat rice pudding or mccain's mashed potatoe smiles which if you ask me i think can't be possible because mccains mashed potatoe smiles well thay are such a good value at $2.39 a bag and are also such a grate snack food. in summing up, i know my cousin wants to date darnell simmons. i know it i just know it.

review of olestra chips

2005-03-10T17:57:00.000-05:00

by sb, mr. paraquat's english section, brown reading group
olestra chips, which are chips made with olestra, which is a fake fat, which can sometimes make your asshole cry grease, come in many delicious varieties. i am lucky because i am young and can eat anything i want and while i still get incredibly fat at least the ass of my pants does not look like the bottom of a paper bag from the fries'n'falafel'n'fondue lunch truck. my favorite flavor is the doritos because the nacho cheeze does a good job of masking the after taste of chemicals and poison. in conclusion, olestra chips are delicious if you can trust your sphincter and don't mind eating food that will probably give you 504828 different types of cancer.

mccain's mashed potato smiles review

2005-02-17T22:09:00.000-05:00

by ts, 6a, mr. wimperton's class
mccain's mashed potatoe [sic] smiles are great because they are very delicious and so cute. you can heat them up and serve them with bar-bee-cue sauce or hp sauce or mustard. they are my favorite snack of right now. you can have them for breakfast, lunch or even dinner. they only cost $3.29 a bag. they also make a grate [sic] side dish. when i get full i feed them to my dog while my mom is not looking. in summary, i love mccain's mashed potatoe smiles because they are delicious and a good value and work for any meal and are very cute to look at.

shia laboeuf review

2005-02-17T22:08:00.001-05:00

by sb, 6b, ms levine's class
shia laboeuf is an actor who is eight years and 21 days younger than me and is also very talented and funny. he was in the movie "holes" which was really good and also "the battle of shaker heights" which was not so good but his face looks very nice on a giant white screen. when i saw shia on "project greenlight," he wore cool clothes, made funny jokes, dealt well with the assinine directors, and clearly loves his mother very much. sabrina leboeuf, who was on the cosby show, is not in any way his sister or a relation of any kind. in conclusion, shia laboeuf is really going places and is finally legal for sex making.

diego luna review

2005-02-17T22:08:00.000-05:00

by ts and sb, 6a/b joint reading group
diego luna is the most handsome mexican of our time and is also a great dancer. sadly, us weekly reports that he is a lothario which means he gets with a lot of girls, most likely gross ones like paris hilton and nicky hilton and paris nicky (who doesn't exist). all day long i dream about diego luna because his face is the wallpaper on my computer. because of him, sb calls that movie y tu boner tambien instead of y tu mama. i would bet my dog that he is a fibber and an infidel like most boys, but geez is he ever beautiful in the face. in summing up, diego luna is the world's most handsome mexi-man and he is also a great dancer and i would like to get some from him before i die. in conclusion, like burritoville, he is "mexcellent," but unlike burritoville, he doesn't taste like shit.

[note: that review has two conclusions because two people wrote it. in conclusion, it makes sense.]

putting a diaper on your dog review

2005-02-17T22:07:00.001-05:00

by sb, 6b, ms levine's class
putting a diaper on your dog is probably the least fun thing in the world next to getting a paper cut or eating sand. after my dog, king buzzo, peed on my moonboot, my doorframe, and my welcome mat, i took him to the vet. i had to do something while the vet figured out what was wrong tho so i took him to duane reed and asked the nice woman there if she thought medium-sized diapers would fit him. i held him up for the lady and she laughed but didn't say yes or no. now when i leave the house i have to tape the diaper on to him because real babies don't have tails and so their diapers don't have room for them. in conclusion, putting a diaper on your dog is enough to make you want to die in your sleep.

"rad" review (my favorite movie of all time-- this one is long!)

2005-02-17T22:07:00.000-05:00

by ts, 6a, mr. wimpertons class

"rad" is my most favorite movie of all time. it is about bmx bike riders and was filmed in canada but is supposed to be set in america which in itself is very funny. it was produced by jason schwartzmann's (rushmore, phantom planet) dad whose name is jack schwartzmann who has since passed away. it also starred jason schwartzmann's (phantom planet, rushmore) mom whose name is thalia shire who also starred in the rocky movies as adrian which are not even close to my favorite movies. "rad" is about cru jones racing on helltrack against bart taylor who is the best factory rider out there and about cru starting his own team called rad racing in order to beat the bad guys who try to keep him from racing helltrack and beating bart taylor. it also stars lori laughlin (becky from full house) as cru jones love interest. the best part of "rad" is that the actor who plays cru looks pretty old, way older than high school age that is for sure. they're are also evil twins named rex and rod who are supposed to be from long island which is funny they try to knock cru off of helltrack. over the years i have collected alot of stuff to show my friends and others that "rad" is my number one favorite. i have customized "rad" vans sneakers, a giant "rad" poster, the "rad" soundtrack on vinyl, and the "rad" soundtrack on cassette. in conclusion, "rad" is my most favorite movie of all time because it has alot of bmx bike riding action and evil twins named rex and rod from long island. also, it is rad.