gilmore dudes eff toss bracket showdown - ROUND 1

here are some facts for you-- green means go, rain is wet, gilmore girls is a good show. just sayin. also irrefutible is the fact that good tv shows must be funny and have characters doing it with each other (see: wonderfalls review, which makes me add to this fact that good tv shows must also not be on fox on friday nights). we have decided to take that one step further and see who on this good tv show we here at dxe(.com) would do it with ourselves. we have set it up march madness-style bracket for easy elimination until we have one victor/fictional manfriend (is. there. any. other. kind). bring it on.


judges:
sb, resident gg expert, judging based on her vast gilmore knowledge. favorite going into the competition: jess, because, whilst a shitty boyfriend, he loves the distillers, broods like a champ, and pretends to read punk planet while actually reading a self-help book (who can blame him? life with larry probably don't pack as much punch as anything by dr. phil).

ts, totally gg ignorant, judging based on looks and alone. favorite going into the competition: totes defs jess because he was hit by the hot stick at birf AND skateboards and whenever i hear skateboard wheelz roll-out in dirty nyc the world freezes fer but a moment while i temporarily suspect, then and there, that i might be able to build a life with the maker of said noise until i realize it is either a scrappy 11 yr old heading to the steps at union square before curfew or a university of delaware stocks/bonds/kegstands/skirt nailing master's program major (a title for a field of study that does not exist except in my us-against-them head) bottleneck on a sector 9. i am destined to a life solitude. DXE POR VIDA. jus' sayin.

ROUND 1:

gg expert (sb): dude, michel's pretty much the wayland smithers of this show in that he's started out black and is a stealth 'mo. unlike the og wayland tho, he has remained black and never wrote a musical about malibu stacy. i put him in the bracket cuz he gets some of the best dialogue but i'd sooner objectify richard simmons. as for alex, he's way too soap opera looking for my tastes and his character was pretty much a placeholder but at least i know for sure he's not a bottom.
gg non-expert (ts): MICHELLLE - I am all fer dating Hispanic dudes and whatnot, but this guy looks a) too muscular; no matter how you slice it, and i just can't git down wif the bottlenecks yet seeing as they were mean to me in grade school 7) tanner than me even after 9 sessions of 12 minutes each in the 32 dollar per session SolarOrbit H54 Non-UV Stand Up at Tantaztic Tanz on route 35 between BK and the Roller Rink in Eatontown, NJ and D) too comfortable with that nast flavor savor beneath his lower lip. Fer the record; Crazytown died a swift and efficient death, as did Drowning Pool, Adema, and Sidewinder-Z (a nu-metal band with much facial topiary that does not exist) - let no dude who we throw the eff too taint our fleeting moments of intimacy with the dark black cloud that is manscaped pubez of the face.

winner: alex, the vapor boyfriend.


gg expert (sb): again, not a tough one. yes, luke's "hair" is dubious at best (like tv's jeremy piven ["one crazy summer," ari on "entourage", most likely a coked out asshole in real life], he's mysteriously getting less and less bald from a starting place of a serious scalpitude), but that "big bat" joke in this season's closer was great AND you know that deep down you have a secret private dream man that's a lot like him altho maybe he's in nh instead of ct and reads more and shaves his face and isn't such a pussy and would kick it to you after 4 months tops instead of 5 years. and logan has the personality of my imagined version of real-life jeremy piven.
gg non-expert (ts): Luke is old and has permanent party bloat but I have an insane-brains case of the hate for Logan-- he makes me want to puke in my disgruntled pet ferret mr. whisker's hair. that said and by default, I'll take Luke for a night of painting the town red after 3 to 16 servings of Michelob Light at his or my neighborhood WT bar/lounge that does not exist - but i will not kiss his face or touch his d because he is like 57 years old and i would totes puke in my own hand, wipe it in his eyes, and then kick his teeth in with my rocket dog platform flipflops or my new mee too backless white sneakers, whichever i am wearing at the time, while he is making efforts to heavily pet me, all domestic-yet-aggressive ferret with a muzzle at the vet trying valiantly to fight having his anal sacs emptied style.

winner: luke of the almost-elton john like coiffure.


gg expert (sb): bullshit contest, but taylor reminds me of a gaynotgay teacher i had in high school right down to their too-high pants and diction from hell, which is mildy redeeming. still, his character is kind of nazi-y. i know that jess treated rory like crap but it's only because his dad didn't love him and his spin off was doomed due to "high production costs." he read punk planet, he loved the distillers, and he embodied gg's "sex and the city"-like talent to find undercover hot actors and let their hotness shine on a platform they deserve. oh, and that vest. and motorcycle jacket! he pulled one prank on taylor but with a little egging on he'd probably leave a bag of flaming poop on taylor's doorstep. and the poop'd probably be his own. and the flames would be from my heart.
gg non-expert (ts): Taylor looks like a gray haired version of the dude that sells Ziplock bags or a white version of the Dad from the TV show that starred Erkle whose name is presently exscaping me. I WOULD
TAKE JESS IN A HOT SECOND NOT ONLY CAUSE HE IS ON THE UPN AND KNOWS WHO SLINT IS BUT BECAUSE HE IS ALSO SUPER HOT IN THE FACE AND WOULD MAKE A NICE TROPHY BOYFRIEND TO UPSET THE MYRIAD OF DUDES WHO HAVE BLOWN ME OFF OVER THE COURSE OF MY HARD LIVED 20 and a half YEARS. it will never happen though, because i am, yet again, destined to a life of solitude, owning only in this world an ill-behaved pet ferret named mr. whiskers and a subscription to cat fancy while renting a small room with a single width cot in nyc's much feared women's only dorm hotel, the webster, on 34th and 9th avenue or 11th avenue i cant remember because i smoked a ton of dank nodgies in high school in keyport, new jersey. i will work at duane reade.

winner: jess, jess, a thousand times jess.


gg expert (sb): a tough one for once-- dean was good to rory, but too good, like a guy who agrees to buy you tampons on a run to the deli but also needs a good cry post-orgasm. christopher is only medium hot and is not good to lorelai or rory and he listens to rammstien in his car but ok yes he kinda sucks but i'm not sure if he sucks more than dean. i think the dealbreaker is that dean MADE rory a fucking car and christopher just made lorelai a baby and i'd rather have a car than a child, post-coital tears be damned.
gg non-expert (ts): I'm gonna go fer Dean on this one solely because of SB's bril description of him. A boy after my own heart circa 7th grade at Shrewsbury Boro School. Per usual and apropos of absolutely
nothing, that last sentence made me remember how much I hate this new prog-emo band called Circa Survive. i think it was because we played with them at westchester university when we opened for taking back sunday (namecheck what what) where all the kids super hated on us and i called this ugg boots young scam naysayer girl a cunt from the stage - while circa survive acted all nu eem suburban lego pop-on hair snootrock tude style towards us. oh, and also because they are blowing-up blowin-up here's my card because they have a good booking agent while i totes shame-in-my-game sell cd's at sounds on st. marks just to be able to eat to stay chubby - although i cant be shore if that's why.

winner: lean mean dean machine.


gg expert (sb): jeez, i sure have challenged myself! max is the man of my temple beth dreams but kirk is just the kind of freakazoid i always end up spending months with and worrying my parents about. BUT those same functional retards i date, the ones like kirk who scream in their sleep and work shitty jobs and announce when they've made a pee pee, those guys end up dumping ME first leaving me to wonder just what kind of freak show/vegas brothel i'll have to get hired by in order to have relations again. so i'm going with max, even tho he'll never, ever be on the show again, because he sent lorelai a jillion daisies, he'll be ok with a chupah (that luke whittled!), and he won't lead me to a life of whorin.
gg non-expert (ts): i am going to go wif kirk fer no other reason than he looks like alan cumming (star of such filmic masterworks as: reefer madness, son of the mask, cat tale, ant bully, bam bam and celeste and josie and the pussycats). he is totes a ginormo flaming mo who happens to live on my block (7th and b, woot woot) on occasion, i see him making out with this bald fat dude who resembles mr. kissimee-st. cloud, my skeezy phys ed teacher from 6th grade who does not exist, over on the corner by the diana and dodi deli - 1998's winner of the " nyc-based, korean-owned bodega wif the most fucked out biz name that inadvertantly references a worldwide cultural tragedy" award.

winner: max, because alan cumming is really just famous for having a last name that means "the act of jizz making" in english. that is so gay and gross.


gg expert (sb): mr kim (see above).
gg non-expert (ts): i am not racist but uncle skip (sanderson - on mom's side) is and he would be super bummed if i chose mr. kim, not because uncle skip is a bad person, but because he is a wealthy old school race horse owning italian whose gutz i love so much because he, oft under the cloak of darkness, loans me madd heffer amounts of old money when i e-overspend on limited edition c. ronson converse. plus, i have always had secret visions of dating a hessian even though a) i will never date again as i am destined to a life of solitude as a ferret owner whose cot-only rental room smells like urine and b) daniel paladino is not the nasty fatass pictured above who is instead the dude that popped up when sb google image searched (GIS#1) jerkwad. (see above)

winner: mr kim because we are all equal on the inside.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK IF WE AREN'T ALREADY BORED OF THIS FOR ROUND 2!