d8xedge II - 8 questions for ts, by sb

preface:
SB!
THIS IS THE LONGEST INTERVIEW I HAVE EVER DONE. EDIT IT DOWN AND I WILL BE VERY CROSS WITH YOU! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! ALSO... I WOULD HIGHLY ADVISE YOU TO INCLUDE THE PART EARLIER IN THIS PARAGRAPH REGARDING THIS BEING THE LONGEST INTERVIEW I HAVE EVER DONE CAUSE IT IS FUNNY AND I NEED TO PERPETUALLY ONE UP YOU. Ready to post, Skippy! THENX.

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1. has being dxe improved your life or cast you down into a world of perscription meds, soapnet, and vaggy teas with hooker names (sleepy tyme, pg tips, sip n'bleed, etc)?

- datexedge {.com} has vastly improved my life because now I am free to have wicked bad crushes on exciting new, completely parent-unapproved boys every three days, in both my noggin and in reality; sometimes even volleying back-n-forth between them when we are at the same 5th wave emo social affairs.

- I have a close personal relationship with prescription meds... Ever so 'bout it 'bout it. My complex needz are generously met by my friendly, invisible, resident, pretend Doctor, Pancho Allister St. Germaine Suarez at: http://undergroundrailroadprescriptions4u.com, Username and password, respectively: help.me.be.less.inhibited and 2manycutedudes2count05

2. if gilmore girls' logan is as ugly and disgusting as you claim, why is he the "star" on a long-running program on a semi-major television network while a lad you deem to be hot like that manboy from that band or whatever is putting on his guy-liner (eye liner for men (tm)) somewhere before playing a show to a crowd that is equal to or maybe even less than the viewership of the 4 am screening of beastmaster on spike?

- These days, I tend to go for the underdogs! Having been ensconsed in the neverending collective super-circle jerk that is a coddled "overdogs," world, so to speak, I felt overshadowed and left behind, like the first two girls from Destiny's Child. With my many underdog male associates, I am able easily outshine them.

"HELLO! I AM TEETER AND THIS IS MY RADIO FLYER RED WAGON LOAD OF PERSONALITY! Indeed, my here counterpart is an unabashed humbag snoozefest, so how about paying me some more mind? Do you like my new shoes? Isn't may hair a most unusual shade of red? It really make my green eyes stand out. Did you know I'm a bonafide, screen actors guild enrolled cartoon voice? And a Sperber sister? And the lead singer for an up and coming mall "punk" band? If you'd be so kind as to put that in yr emo chatroom and smoke it, that would be grate."

I'm going for the gold with my quiet, looser, boring vapor trailed boyfriend always 2 steps behind me. Teeter Sperber por vida!

3. choose one phrase to never be able to say again under punishment of kicking: "i am the fattest," "i tooted," "MY needs!", or "i could make a life with him, don't joke!" or "i don't like him anymore."

- Sheesh, I guess "I am the fattest" cause Mom told me today I have to go to Fat Camp upstate because I am pushing maximum density and only spiraling to an even worser disgusting chubby dumpling style mess that no good man will ever marry. Owch, but, truer words were never spoken. No more cakes and pies for this chowhole.

4. from the overwhelming shampoo/air freshner smell of your former wheels to the perfume you used to wear in such enormous quantities that i thought you bought it by the steel drum, you are a fan of/oft associated with strong, girlie smells. if you could drench yrself in any one smell (french toast, new jersey apple orchard [minus white trash smoking moms], deli flowers), what would it be?

- French toast wif maple syrup and bananas - cause I read in Circus mag or maybe it was Metal Maniacs that the above is Gerard Way's favorite food and I would really love to have him inside me, howevs, he is in a band AND an overdog so it would have to be contained to captivating him with my overwhelming scent, while I sex make with him {read: throw the eff on dexicon page} in my head.

5. it's a sex baseball game: the pitcher throws the f, the batter doubles, one man goes out, the dugout goes wild, the fans do the wave, a player steals third. a, did someone get fucked or what? b, how much DO i love the movie bull durham? c, go sox.

A} someone got fucked and I think it was right on home base! Success, full success.

2} you love Bull Durham more than a smorgasborgue of bionic food and I would even wax my womanly assets for you if could get you 7 minutes in the back of a toyata carollo {a make of car that does not exist} with kevin costner. Remember sb, IF I WAX IT, THEY WILL COME {read also: cum} [ed note—lies! that sheltland pony of a man does not give me a boner! –sb]

D} no disrespek, borat style, but the sox effin suck. Toledo Hot Sticks 4ever { a baseball team that does not exist}

6. if one part of you had to be gay, which part would it be: your hand, your hoo, your face, your left boob, or the 4th toe on your left foot?

My hoo, I guess, but only if I could throw the eff to Kaya from The Butchies and/or Team Dresch she is the hottest and only blonde girlnot girl dudenotdude I have wanted to jump the fence for. I am assuming my left boob would up in this homo mix by default, no?

7. please describe the act of wilmer valderama pooping as if you were writing a press release. go:

2nd May 2005

For immediate release:

{Los Angeles, California}

Socially Meaningless Hispanic GayNotGay Actor Willder Valderamma Craps His Guts on Command During Tryouts for Lead Role In Miramax's Remake of HMS Pinnafore.


Today, at a go-see in back Lot 277B with Harvey Weinsten or whoever now runs that company, in the Miramax West Hollywood Compound,
Wilder Valderamma {that 70's Show, Punked, 1% Fake Restarauntour} crapped his gutz on command in front of an entire production staff onto a heap of old newspapers in hopes of landing a starring role opposite Kirsten Dunst and Bea Arthur in the 2006 remake of the HMS Pinnafore.


Onlookers remarked that casting agents were unimpressed with his fey 8 inch monkeytail topped with only a small spiral of diarehhea, as well as his nervous energy during his performance.


Tobey MaGuire {and his twin brother Jessup MaGuire - who does not exist} ended up landing the role by kicking out an impressive 10-minutes- to-produce black and green poocano. He is also newly super fat, so the team had more confidence that he would be consistent and effective in the gutz crapping demands of the role.


Wilderamma's rep was unavailable for comment at the time of release.


For additional information or press photos of above event, please contact Stunt Company Media, Inc.

Teeter Sperber - Head Publicist
{718} 222- 1746
Teeter@stuntcompany.com

8. math question: i am pure moods, headed for an emoseizure at 6 swings per hour going north towards gilmanton, nh. you are also pure moods, going due south on the same track at 10 swings a minute en route to philly. given this information, when are we due to enter the battledome and make each other cry?

We will make each other cry only when we put Andrew Ellis due center and effing skin him alive, work through 8 bags of Olestra tater chips each thereby making our asses explode, crap our gutz onto 2 price slash bin copies of the new Switchfoot album, and then beat the memory of both our loser ex-boyfriends with an old style, heavy as the hell, metal tennis racket. Clearly, I will make you cry first cause I am meaner.

With that aside, we will then bust the full on dine and dash at Kate's Joint, powerstuffing stacks and stacks of barbecue not buffalo wings, Unturkey Clubs, and 10 servings each of banana tiramisu - all the while with me downing Whiskey Sours AND Captain morgan's and ginger like tomorrow coming depends on it - with you being on yr cell phone all weeping that you suspect I am a raging alcholic finally hitting rock bottom. I will simulataneously be demanding that our fave waiter, A.J., pump Track #5, "Feels Like Rain" off the new Motion City Soundtrack record, entitled "Commit this To Memory," produced by Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 and mixed both by money rock bigwig Tom Lord-Alge and Drive Like Jehu tantrum rock luminary, Mark Trombino; featuring Patty Carrie of Limbeck on backing vocals as well as Hoppus himself; dropping on June 7th, 2005 on Epitaph records. {Read: I am a full time rock and roll publicist.}

We will then feel painfully full, call it yet another day in manic, hand to mouth combat New York, hi-five and part ways to watch Tivo for the next 3 to 16 hours. Laziness is the fucking panacea.