d8xedge - 8 questions for sb, by ts

1} Hello. I am making us do these interviews because I feel strongly that, in general, you-n-me need to have more spotlight shone on us. Are you resentful of this, yet another one of my "brilliant" ideas?

at this point, do you or i really have such a thing as a unique idea? our ideas are like bat sonar-- we send them out from our heads in little waves to bounce of each other without even opening our toothy, rabies-filled little mouths. in turn, i resent nothing, but, as a bat, i would like to avoid the spotlight as i prefer eating bugs, the dark, and pooping upside-down.

2} You broke up with me {read: plutonically, for the last time mom and dad, we are not gay} from 2000 to 2003. Why? Along those lines, how did you get so racist against indoor tanning?

as with our ideas, our decisions are made in jointly, if not in simultaneity. yes, we broke up in part due to yr excess tanning/waxing/manicuring/starving because i was frightened of the insecure sorority girl who had possessed my friend teeter, the lass who used to fart in public, order her cheese fries with a side of cheese and some cheese also, and do coffins on her skateboard without worrying about the effect it would have on her fingernails. also, your then-boyfriend hated women A LOT, like, mach 9 hatred, the kind of misogyny found only in fashion designers, high-ranking catholics, and ann coulter. as a woman, i did not like being around him, which i think is not unreasonable-- were you dating a neo-nazi, i'd probably take a raincheck on being the third for friday night dinners at denny's as well. ANYwho, whilst i had my issues, you had yr issues as well, and while neither one of us can remember exactly what they were, i'm sure they had something to do with my issues and something to do with our hating the world in general. either way, our split was mutual, as was our reunion.

i got racist against indoor tanning back when i got eyeballs. there are a lot of things inherent to being a lady-- baby-having parts, instinctual nurturing skills, chee chees-- but the ability to, at any moment, be able to strip down and look good with a gold pole between your asscheeks, aka a bronze butt burrito, is NOT one of them. which is to say, the only reason i'd sit in a cancer pod to turn my skin brown would be if my job depended on it, and it does not, thanks god. dressing like a park ranger if you are not one can be cool, dressing like a stripper if you are not one is lame. this also explains my aversion to giant nails and extreme pubic topiary. there were certainly more important things for you to worry about back then, like, say, "why am i so hungry?" and "why am i dating an asshole?" SAYIN.

3} I love Strivectin SD, Rembrandt Super Tooth Whitener, and color-depositing Aveda Shampoo and Conditioner twin sets. I hate my sisters boyfriends dog Miles and Andrew Ellis. Name your three favorite beauty products and yr 2 most arch nemisis's.

that aveda hair oil lube stuff, the fancy clarins zit cream my sister got me which is really just sweet smelling clearasil, and tylenol blue, which doesn't really count, but who doesn't love occasionally doing the blue? i hate rupert murdoch and jay leno (you know i hate other people but google is a powerful thing and after what happened to biggie and tupac i'm all about increasing the peace).

4} Tell the readers about how much or how little you like my band, Ley Royal Scam and why.
Also, pls tell the reader what yr honest assessment of my bands 4 new songs that you heard one time for the very first time 1 hour ago is.

i like ley royal scam a lot because teeter is finally in the spotlight and nobody puts baby in the corner. also because her speaking voice is aural gold and getting it to the masses via song is a gift to the world. the new songs are good but it was hard to hear them over you saying how much you hated them/hearing them/your voice etc.

5} I am so happy that we are grate friends because, much like I think of myself, - find you to be an effing literary genius. What are the emotions you experience when you hang out with me?

elation, frustration, exasperation, rinse, repeat.

5a} I just looked over my shoulder and saw one bit of your interview questions for me on the computer screen and I can already tell that your questions are going to be funnier than mine. This evokes feeling of inadequacy in me regarding how yr so much more funnier than me you are. What the eff?

mom, dad, don't fight. girls are always crying and bleeding.

6} FUCKING PARSLEY AND ONION? BITCH! What is yr favorite hummus brand?

well, i like parsley and onion flavor a lot but i think sabra is my favorite brand, chunky style my favorite flavor, because it comes in a fuckin' trough and has the same name as the falafel place i went to when i was a kid when falafels were the size of my fist and the world was a magical place.

7} I am sitting 1 foot away from you right now, having just eaten 2 Taco Bell bean burritos. Can you smell my onion breath?

actually, you asked me that with yr mouth about four inches away from my face, and no.

8} Is it funny to you that most of yr interview questions somehow tie back to me or is this par for the course?

bitch, i know yr life. totally par and funny as well.

Bonus question: I poop like 7 times a day, do you? If not, am I normal?

i do not have enough time in the day to log (no pun intended) that many hours in the WC. you are normal for an infant or old person, sure.

Extra credit 7th wave emo question: Tall Ships in a Sea of Loneliness are opening for Empty Promises and Samantha Jane's Diary at Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ. You really want to wear yr Empty Promises t-shirt to the show and I repeatedly encourage you not to cause that's so gay. Whose right, you or me?

BUT if i'm wearing my tall ships in a sea of loneliness (tsiasol) pin and my samantha jane's diary patch on my courier bag (conveniently covering the brand tag which i don't remember anymore but it's the kind of bag that comes with a li'l koala keychain thing that i thought was totally cute at the time but that was a year ago and now i realize that it was retarded, duh), then won't empty promises be hurt if they get left out? i've read their myspace page and they say their fans mean a lot to them! did you mean that i should wear the pink empty promises shirt i have instead of the green one? or maybe the blue one? IM me back asap cuz my mom's driving me to the show in an hour and i want to have this settled before i do my hair so i don't fuck it up changing shirts a million times. i'm meeting messageboard friends and i don't want to come home and find out that the whole internet thinks my hair is uggs and that i'm fat also.

NEXT WEEK - TS IN THE HOT SEAT!