SPECIAL GUEST AUTHOR/WINNER OF THE MICHAEL DUKAKIS MIDDLE SCHOOL ESSAY WRITING CONTESTJake In Progress review

by aw, Mrs. Celnicker's english section, accelerated track

Jake in progress is a new television program that's made for moms that's about a single man. I've known what sex is since a F.O.N.* Ron Ward led panel discussion during recess, 4th grade. Also, I've seen episodes of Sex In The City in reruns on TBS cause my parents blocked HBO on my personal private bedroom TV. I don't understand why anyone would want to watch John Stamos do the sex dance with lots of hot girls. It makes me sad like when I see Anya DeLorenzo lock tongues with guys behind the snack shack during lunch. She is pretty, but even though she is popular she has self-esteem issues cause from what I can tell she'll kiss anyone with a face, even F.O.N. Ron if he asked nice. It makes me sad that there are so many hot girls and I will never be one of them (not even if I had a nose job like my mom) because I don't wear tight clothes or let strangers enter my bubble**. But what makes me sadder is that even if I was a hot girl (which not even giving up curly fries 4 life could accomplish), the best partner for ABC prime time naked loving I'd be offered is Uncle Jesse, who I heard has an entire closet of fancy cowboy boots. To conclude, I might as well add another hour of French horn practice into my weekly schedule instead of watching TV on Thursdays at 8 cause if your mom is like mine, then you've lost remote priviledges for being a "late bloomer that just can't appreciate it yet" even though you're only 12 and she's the one that won't let you wear make up to school.

*Freak Of Nature
**arms length, all around